Have You Seen Me?

In keeping with the wall-posters theme...

This student had a habit of cutting class for several hours at a time to loiter at a nearby diner with friends, who would all sit together, smoke, and order only iced teas; a six-person table would normally have an $8 tab. He became so notorious for this practice that some wag decided to draw a little good-natured public attention to it. The picture is the fellow's yearbook photo. These were hung in the hallways one morning, and the administration made sure they didn't last very long.

Vote Oliver for Treasurer

Due to popular demand, I'm throwing up another quickie today from Oliver, who blessed us with the short answer set in the last post. Here's a wall poster he put up during his campaign for class treasurer.

Catcher in the Rye

This long set of short answers regarding J.D. Salinger's Catcher in the Rye is one of the most flagrant examples of out-of-context quoting known to mankind. The author, doggedly intent on finding the most vulgar quotations in the book and taking them completely literally, obviously thinks himself quite a wit, but sometimes the humor runs away from him, as in the near-nonsensical response 7. Once again, the straight-faced grader commentary (the left-margin question marks, "this is TOO personal!", "Oliver! Please be formal.") adds much to the mix, especially the assertion that response 6 is capital-letters BETTER than the preceding answers.

K'ax la Selva

Of a piece with the Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead entry below, this was supposed to be a minimum two-page report on a Spanish-language article about an Amazon jungle. As the teacher's arrows indicate...this isn't really even a one-page report. The actual essay is not worth translating; it's boilerplate school Spanish using mostly English grammar rules, and the gratuitous markup more than serves to illustrate its value. Don't miss the See Me! at the top of the page!

 

(Note: the red stuff at the top and bottom are strips I had to place on the scanner to get it to scan the full page without cutting anything off.)

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead

Johannes was asked to hand in a one-page, single-spaced response to Tom Stoppard's play Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead. Apparently, he could think of only one way to craft a response that long. This was to make the heading fully half the length of the page, including the classroom number and building, full mailing address of the school, and copyright/publishing information for the play in question.

The paper (and I use that word loosely) is also rather amusing for calling the play boring more than once - but, the student assures us, in an inquisitive, rather than an accusative, tone.

The back side of the page appears to be a gigantic reminder to himself to fill out his college forms:

This student also once handed me a piece of paper which he claims to have written when asked to hand in something in the Swedish language. Naturally, it bears absolutely no resemblance to Swedish or any other language I am familiar with.

Roman Essay

John, whom we have met before, had a five-paragraph essay due in for his tenth-grade history class. Trouble was, he didn't know anything about it until someone mentioned it in the hallway as they were walking to the classroom. That left him with...four minutes. He arrived two minutes late to class, essay in hand; this is what he cooked up in those six minutes. From that standpoint, this is a rather impressive achievement. But from any other standpoint, including the teacher's...oh, dear.

The teacher's notes are in pencil and do not scan well; the substantial writings are repeated below.

[First paragraph] This says nothing

[Last paragraph] You introduce ideas here but don't follow through - Ugh!

[Evaluation] John, Be sure to use spell check and proofread. Your sentence structure is poor. This needs your attention and effort. You have fragments, and desperately need more facts. You can focus on military but be specific. You are too general. Use Your Book!! [Boob?]

D

You might want to See Me!

Saunders En Español

The linguistic transgressions of Eric Saunders were by no means limited merely to the sphere of the English language. Saunders also saw fit to make a mess of Spanish, as well.

I shall not bother translating this piece of Spanish homework, which is mundane, if both literate and legible only in a technical sense; it will suffice merely to quote the teacher's note at the bottom (done below).

"NO CREDIT. This is a disgrace - This is late & it is a mess. Copy it again & complete the assignment in pen (not part pen/part pencil)."


Saunders was also asked to summarize a children's cartoon watched in class called Pequeño Nemo (Little Nemo). When he wanted to describe the part where the characters took off in an airship, he translated this into Spanish as "dejan un blimp" (literally, "they left a blimp"). The teacher returned it for corrections, demanding that the phrase be changed to the artless, and single-entendred, "pilotan el dirigible"; sadly, the first draft does not survive, and so this sheet is merely a pale reminder of something much funnier. Enjoy anyway...

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings

Our exploration of the intellectual contributions of Eric Saunders continues with his exegesis of Maya Angelou's I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. First, we have a typed response to a short answer question about the book's Dentist Lincoln. If memory serves, an astute classmate actually saw Saunders typing this up during class, instantly identified it as worthy of inclusion in the Archives, and had him print off a copy to take away immediately. This would explain the unfinished state of the short answer; it is unclear if a more robust version is extant.

Our second selection is a set of two short answers identifying further symbolism in Angelou's work. This was written in light pencil and so scans poorly; increasing contrast or viewing your laptop screen at a different angle may help. A transliteration, as usual, is provided below. Note that a peer, not (sadly) a teacher, inserted the pen marks and the phrase "crack addict" as a description of Saunders's unorthodox interpretation. One wonders why he only identified the second answer as particularly unusual.

I know why the caged bird sings

The sopping wet in my fists hankerchief symbolizes that she will have a problem with a liquid or might be upset later.

putting two fingers on her chest symbolizes that she has to go to the bathroom

A Separate Peace

As we have seen previously, Eric Saunders had a command of the English language that was...well, let's say...idiosyncratic. As one might expect, he, like Chuck D, also contributed to the disintegration of lit-crit with his own series of unique insights into the minds of the twentieth century's most lauded novelists.

Here, Saunders tackles the gnostic, controversial symbolism of John Knowles's A Separate Peace. He begins by explaining the parallels between one of the main characters and the tree that is the setting for some of the book's most profound scenes. Then...he goes off-message, culminating in a rant that offered a shocking new interpretation of the protagonist's psychochemical makeup.

There is a raging debate among Saunders scholars as to whether his referring to tenth-grade English teacher George Sedgwick as "Mr. Sledgwick" was unintentional. Please keep in mind that he handed this piece of paper in to said teacher, though it was never actually graded. We may never know the truth on this matter.

Rassen in Da Sun

"Chuck D", this Public Enemy fan calls himself. He is a Charles, but his real last name does not start with the letter D. He began this essay by scrawling a few snatches of Beastie Boys lyrics at the top of the page. Then he scribbled them out. Then...he flame-broiled the art of literary criticism.

Having just taken a physics test, he found himself staring down the barrel of a pop-quiz on reading comprehension in tenth grade English. The task was simple: a short essay on the plot and symbolism of Lorraine Hansberry's A Raisin in the Sun, the previous week's reading assignment. Chuck D was not prepared for this.

Oh, he'd read the book, alright, but not in a way that fostered quick recall. So he had to improvise. Laying down ream after ream of carefully-rethought bullshit (you can see the progression of his thoughts in the cross-outs), he postulates as a thesis statement that the book shows "the proper way in which the black should show their disgustsfaction with society." Naturally continuing in that ever-so-culturally-sensitive vein, he refers to the play itself as Rassen in Da Sun. He then conflates Raisin with Death of a Salesman, referring to the Loman family (rather than the correct Youngers) over the course of the essay. Following several sentences about how plants die (unsuccessfully in the service of explaining a metaphor), his memory of the play's development erodes, and he relates that "some stuff happens" before the entrance of a new character, whose name (Joseph Asagai) he very nearly remembers: "This new guy, Anewgu..." Then...some more stuff happens, and he can't think anymore.

Perhaps the best part of this essay is that, despite the teacher going on a rather forceful diatribe about the worthlessness of this essay and Chuck D's chances in college, she still gave him 3/5 for his efforts.

A transliteration, done by the Archives' best graphologists, follows below, with teacher's comments in red.

Transliteration:


Mike D
From B. B.
Judy called me, so It just stuck w/me

Chuck D

Literature is a blend of mor images and morals. Sometimes when reading a book, the reader can extract an understandi universal truth or "spiritual enlightenment. Although some novels use the trite happy ending made famous by fable & tale; some books offer more a more insightful th don't deeper an endi an ending with a deeper meaning. In Rassen in Da Sun, Hansberry not [unintelligible] shows the reader wants in the end, wants the reader to see the (proper way)? in which the black should show their disgutsfaction with society. -> This is a weakly put interpretation

Hansberr The (Loman) Whoa - wrong play. family, Throughout the play, expirences much (trepidation.)? First they live in a crowded rundown apartment which offers little or no sunlight. In the Their hopes & dreams are symbolically represented by a withered old plant, which sits in the stagnet apartment and slowly dies. because of lack The cause of this plants death is lack of sunlight is due to the lack of sunlight in their apartment. Th Even from Because of the death of the Loman father the family is set to recieve ten thousand dollars from an insurance agency. The family anxiously awaits this sum money for they all believe that this could be be the means by which to get out of the ghetto. They qu quarrel and fight about what to do with the money The question of what should be done w/the money results in many quarrels between the family members. Then some stuff happens and a new character enters. This new guy, Anewgu, symbolically represents the roots of the african roots of the family. He tells the family "Ain't no good come out of money made fr that came from the blood of dead man." Then some more stuff happens and I can't think anymore.

Me before physics test: [happy stick figure] "Yeah, school" I want to learn...me want to be smart!!

Me after physics test: [stick figure on the floor] "MEH!!" me stupid, me fail physics test, me no care about finishing essay, me tired.

You know, I hope, that this isn't even worth my time to read. Is this how you're planning on getting through college? Or life? When it gets tough, suck it up! It will only get harder, & your college professors aren't as nice as I am. Believe it or not.