The End

This concludes the official selections of the Archives. Everything I have from this legendary collection has now been posted.

I'm not really sure what to do with this blog now...I have other miscellaneous humorous items I was considering posting, and would take submissions, but I haven't gotten any. Not really sure.

The College Board Essays, Part 3: Sam's Philippic

We'll complete the round of Advanced Placement essays with this screed from the hand of Sam, who makes his first and only appearance here in the Archives. Sam had no intention of displaying his understanding of symbolism or narrative devices. He knew he wouldn't get AP credit at the college he planned to attend. Furthermore, he was a man with a decided distaste for organized social systems, and he communicated this to "The College Board" (he consistently refers to them in sarcastic scare quotes) by penning this critique of their unsavory financial dealings and submitting it in lieu of the English essays. Like Andrew, he was able to recopy the entire essay on scratch paper and sneak it out for public appreciation. Transcription follows below.

In light of "The College Board's" questionable intentions, and monopolistic business practices, I have decided not to "crank out" the prescribed essays. Instead I wish to offer myself as a martyr. Indeed, this may seem foolish, but if you consider being a Senior in the year 2000, and the complete hell that it is you may have some sympathy. The college process has essentially been corrupted by hefty fees for minimal service, and a level of intensity designed to scare students into action. Parents have bought into this, and consequently push their children to the brink of psychosis. What parents and guidance counsellors don't tell you is that those liberal-arts colleges, that require Fives on APs, and $30,000 give you the same education as any state school. So why do people think that prestige is the most important factor? Because we live in a society where a test costs $76 to take, and sending them costs $19. I thought postage was ¢35? People are more occupied with amassing a pedigree than an education. And how does the "College Board" defend it's involvement in this trend?

Not only have costs gone up, but in recent years the difficulty of the test has declined, and for what? Undoubtabaly, an attempt to bring test-taker's money into the vaults at Princeton. In dumbing down the test, hence removing the elitist status it once had, "The College Board" has shamelessly showed how they plan to make everyone AP material.

In response to my attacks on "The College Board's" fees, I'm sure the phrase "quality instructors" would be used. Well, it so happens that I know a former AP grader, and from how he described it the pay was in no way in proper relation to how much the test cost.

So give me my 1, and grade the next test. If you do so many in an hour I'm sure they'll give you a nice mug. At least you may have become savy to the farce of a mockery of a shame that is the APs.

The College Board Essays, Part 2: Atwood and Amy

Oh, John. So dear to the Archives' heart, his parting shot at our fine institution was this set of essays, written for the same AP test as the previous post. His essay on Atwood is a fulminating, unfinished, drug-addled rant in defense of Homer, trenchantly condemning her reinterpretation of the Odyssey. For his other essay, he chose to eschew the given topics altogether. Instead...he composed a porno. Genuine, A-grade, X-rated smut. And handed it in to the College Board.

He was so proud of his work, he snuck out, ostensibly on a bathroom break, took his blue book with him, and ran to the copy machines, managing to sneak by everyone. I got the copies. Read on...

 This is fucking crap. Homer is the man. I mean, if Homer didn't write this, then where would the world be? The Athenians would have lost to the Spartans, and all hope for the future would have been lost. Homer's Odessy included such treks as to Chicago, Istanbul, Ching-chong-ching, and Tehran. Bart was the key person to the Odessy, because Bart actually made Homer go into such a tirade because he voted for Pericles instead of Dioces[?] for the head-honcho position to Athens. The god-damned youth is fucking with my universe and it fucked Homer's as well. Now, if Homer smoked crack, then the Odessy would not exist. He already would have visited the moon, maybe even Neptune, so why would he want to go to Chicago? It blows my mind.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK . . . . -

Margaret Atwood had no right to make a modern interpretation of Homer's Odessy. Istanbul, Tehran, Ching-chong-ding, and Chicago are all vastly different now than 4,000,000 years ago, plus she had to smoke crack to visit th

In Amy does the Faculty (by anonymous), Amy literally does the entire faculty. She is a 16 year old goddes who is as beautiful as Cindy Crawford, but she did too many drugs and now she has straight F's. Fortunately for her, she loves to "Fuck", and she has a plan to get straight A's from the all-male faculty. ([unintelligible]?) Well, she struts around in skimpy leather miniskirts that you can see her "ass" with, and a very tight shirt that her overly large "tits" pop out of. It was a mystery to the teachers if she was just trying to tease them, or seduce them. Mr. Cummings was the first to put the puzzle together. What happened was that Amy looked deep into Cummings's eyes, and put her hand on his leg and the other into her "wet pussy" and said "I'll do anything for an A Mr. Cummings, and you don't have to worry about doing this for every student because I can keep my mouth shut." Without further hesitation, Cummings pulled out his overly large penis, and told her to take off her panties and sit on his "cock"

Cummings knew that she liked this and told her that he'd tell the rest of the faculty as well, but if she wanted an A, she would [unintelligible] to "fuck" him every other day each quarter. Mr. BigDick, Mr. Wang, Mr. StrokeIt, and Mr. ILikeToEat were the next to discover this mystery.