The College Board Essays, Part 2: Atwood and Amy

Oh, John. So dear to the Archives' heart, his parting shot at our fine institution was this set of essays, written for the same AP test as the previous post. His essay on Atwood is a fulminating, unfinished, drug-addled rant in defense of Homer, trenchantly condemning her reinterpretation of the Odyssey. For his other essay, he chose to eschew the given topics altogether. Instead...he composed a porno. Genuine, A-grade, X-rated smut. And handed it in to the College Board.

He was so proud of his work, he snuck out, ostensibly on a bathroom break, took his blue book with him, and ran to the copy machines, managing to sneak by everyone. I got the copies. Read on...

 This is fucking crap. Homer is the man. I mean, if Homer didn't write this, then where would the world be? The Athenians would have lost to the Spartans, and all hope for the future would have been lost. Homer's Odessy included such treks as to Chicago, Istanbul, Ching-chong-ching, and Tehran. Bart was the key person to the Odessy, because Bart actually made Homer go into such a tirade because he voted for Pericles instead of Dioces[?] for the head-honcho position to Athens. The god-damned youth is fucking with my universe and it fucked Homer's as well. Now, if Homer smoked crack, then the Odessy would not exist. He already would have visited the moon, maybe even Neptune, so why would he want to go to Chicago? It blows my mind.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK . . . . -

Margaret Atwood had no right to make a modern interpretation of Homer's Odessy. Istanbul, Tehran, Ching-chong-ding, and Chicago are all vastly different now than 4,000,000 years ago, plus she had to smoke crack to visit th

In Amy does the Faculty (by anonymous), Amy literally does the entire faculty. She is a 16 year old goddes who is as beautiful as Cindy Crawford, but she did too many drugs and now she has straight F's. Fortunately for her, she loves to "Fuck", and she has a plan to get straight A's from the all-male faculty. ([unintelligible]?) Well, she struts around in skimpy leather miniskirts that you can see her "ass" with, and a very tight shirt that her overly large "tits" pop out of. It was a mystery to the teachers if she was just trying to tease them, or seduce them. Mr. Cummings was the first to put the puzzle together. What happened was that Amy looked deep into Cummings's eyes, and put her hand on his leg and the other into her "wet pussy" and said "I'll do anything for an A Mr. Cummings, and you don't have to worry about doing this for every student because I can keep my mouth shut." Without further hesitation, Cummings pulled out his overly large penis, and told her to take off her panties and sit on his "cock"

Cummings knew that she liked this and told her that he'd tell the rest of the faculty as well, but if she wanted an A, she would [unintelligible] to "fuck" him every other day each quarter. Mr. BigDick, Mr. Wang, Mr. StrokeIt, and Mr. ILikeToEat were the next to discover this mystery.