The College Board Essays, Part 3: Sam's Philippic

We'll complete the round of Advanced Placement essays with this screed from the hand of Sam, who makes his first and only appearance here in the Archives. Sam had no intention of displaying his understanding of symbolism or narrative devices. He knew he wouldn't get AP credit at the college he planned to attend. Furthermore, he was a man with a decided distaste for organized social systems, and he communicated this to "The College Board" (he consistently refers to them in sarcastic scare quotes) by penning this critique of their unsavory financial dealings and submitting it in lieu of the English essays. Like Andrew, he was able to recopy the entire essay on scratch paper and sneak it out for public appreciation. Transcription follows below.

In light of "The College Board's" questionable intentions, and monopolistic business practices, I have decided not to "crank out" the prescribed essays. Instead I wish to offer myself as a martyr. Indeed, this may seem foolish, but if you consider being a Senior in the year 2000, and the complete hell that it is you may have some sympathy. The college process has essentially been corrupted by hefty fees for minimal service, and a level of intensity designed to scare students into action. Parents have bought into this, and consequently push their children to the brink of psychosis. What parents and guidance counsellors don't tell you is that those liberal-arts colleges, that require Fives on APs, and $30,000 give you the same education as any state school. So why do people think that prestige is the most important factor? Because we live in a society where a test costs $76 to take, and sending them costs $19. I thought postage was ¢35? People are more occupied with amassing a pedigree than an education. And how does the "College Board" defend it's involvement in this trend?

Not only have costs gone up, but in recent years the difficulty of the test has declined, and for what? Undoubtabaly, an attempt to bring test-taker's money into the vaults at Princeton. In dumbing down the test, hence removing the elitist status it once had, "The College Board" has shamelessly showed how they plan to make everyone AP material.

In response to my attacks on "The College Board's" fees, I'm sure the phrase "quality instructors" would be used. Well, it so happens that I know a former AP grader, and from how he described it the pay was in no way in proper relation to how much the test cost.

So give me my 1, and grade the next test. If you do so many in an hour I'm sure they'll give you a nice mug. At least you may have become savy to the farce of a mockery of a shame that is the APs.